If you’re being flooded with messages today telling you all the things you should be thankful for, and the LAST thing you feel right now is grateful, I’m here to tell you I see you, I hear you, and I feel every bit of what you’re going through today.
NOT feeling our feelings is the problem with so much of what’s gone wrong in our lives and I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you don’t feel what everyone’s telling you you’re SUPPOSED to feel today.
It’s easy to feel grateful when you’re warm and cozy in your house with a husband or partner who loves you, surrounded by babies (or fur babies) who make your house feel like a home. It's easy to feel thankful when you’ve got enough money, a secure job, your health, and good friends and relatives who make you feel loved and supported.
But it’s not so easy when you’re alone.
Not so easy when you're feeling isolated, on the outside looking in, wondering what went so wrong somewhere that there’s nothing you can find to be grateful for right now.
And then wondering what’s so wrong with you that you can’t.
Oh girl, if this is where you find yourself right now, then this message is straight from my heart to yours today.
Enough with the “shoulds” and the “supposed tos” and everything else that gets imposed on us on holidays like today. Between now and the New Year, especially in the midst of the pandemic, you’re going to feel a whole lot more of what you’re feeling today.
Right here is your safe space to feel everything you're feeling.
No, you’re not weak. No, you don’t just have to try harder. And no, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Holidays are wonderful when you have somewhere to go, people to celebrate with, and all kinds of good things happening in your life.
Holidays are not at all wonderful when all you can do is look at what everyone else has and see what you don’t.
That's when they’re tragic. That's when they’re sad.
And that's when they represent more hurt and pain and suffering. When they're a special day to see just what you don’t have compared to what feels like the rest of the normal world does have.
So today, I want to remind you that this isn’t about anyone else and their expectations of you. This isn’t about living up to the sentiment of the day. This isn’t about pretending to smile and be thankful when in reality, that’s the last thing you feel.
It’s about honoring where you are, right now, today.
If you’re feeling lost or left behind, acknowledge that, and let yourself feel lost and left behind. If you’re feeling like you’re back in high school and nothing’s changed because everyone else STILL has what you don’t have, and you don’t see any end in sight to make that change, accept that this is precisely how it feels to you right now even if you have all kinds of people telling you it’s not that bad or it’s going to get better real soon.
Yes, that can be true AND you can also feel like you have no idea how it could be true for you with how you’re feeling and the way it’s always been for you.
When you’ve always had to put on that smiling face, when you’ve had to listen to everyone tell you to be happy, or just be thankful you’re not like (insert name of whoever has it worse off than you), both can be true.
There’s something that happens when you allow yourself to feel what you’ve lived your life so far pretending you didn’t feel.
Just for today, promise me that you’re not going to let someone talk you out of your feelings, that you’re going to be exactly who and where you are today without getting on the defensive or explaining yourself for a change.
You don’t need to do that here.
There’s a whole lot of different things you might be feeling and every one of them is valid. None of them need to be justified or explained with a story that can rival the worst story that’s been told so far.
This isn’t a competition to justify why you have a right to feel what you feel. You have every right to feel what you feel just because you're you! Now go do exactly that. I'll be thinking of you!
Love,
Jane
Now share in the comments that you’re going to do this right now. You’re off the hook from the usual pressure and expectations for at least one day!
I hear what you're all saying and feel how you feel, lonely at times, wondering, wishing. Does our happines really have to revolve around having a man in our lives? There is so much to be grateful for without wishing that space was filled or wondering why not me?
I've cried enough tears over him, and him, and him with my broken heart time and time again, and finally have accepted that I'm really ok without them. I'm really ok on my own and grateful that I'm surviving day by day with so much in this world around us happening.
For me this is a time of reflection to see who I am, where I've come from and remind myself that I can do this. If there is a him out there somewhere, I believe we'll find each other, but for now reflecting on what I have and that I've made it through another day brings me the drive to keep going and appreciate me and those in my life.
So glad you've found some perspective here, Julia. This is a beautiful perspective you've found on the deeper meaning of both life and love!
I have done those things and I am so happy about it. I am single and love my life still have my older kids here, my dog & 2 cats, our health, my friends, job which allows me to help kids learn. I never thought I’d get out of depression losing my exes to break ups one by me one by them. But I hated living all alone with no man caring about me texting me calling me not wondering about me. Those men were all wrong for me. One EU which I later figured out (but he’s with someone again asap & after trying to get a gf several times after me. A serial bf) and the other a narcissist thru and thru. I discovered all those with your help Jane. Thank you. Your words and thoughts about topics help so much. I am waiting for my forever man who will love and respect me unconditionally and vice versa. I still wonder though about the one ex who dumped me the EU & now seems happy with someone. Just bugs me lol Still Not fair ?. Thank you so much Jane !:)
Oops can you please remove my last name pls
Done!
Oh Jennifer, I'm so glad you discovered the felt truth of your words here - those men WERE all wrong for you! Believing it, actually feeling the impact of the actual belief beyond just what we feel when someone merely tells us it's true, is life-changing. I'm honored to be a part of you getting to this point in your life. No, it's still not fair - it never is - but feeling the unfairness of it versus feeling that there's something inherently wrong with you instead of the wrong relationship and the wrong guy for you, is such a healthier place to be. Proud of you! You're so welcome - love meeting you and hearing your story!
Jane, thank you! This email is such a good follow-up to our coaching session and I’m so thankful for it. I don’t think I’ve cried that hard in a long time but it felt so good to own my feelings. I even was able to vent to a couple of close family members and my best friend afterwards who is always there for me and let’s me be real - just how I was feeling.
It hit me a day early with what I call a “normal relationship” gap in my life that really hurt and tugged at my heart. It’s not fun not knowing exactly where I stand with someone, even after a very long time and what feels like a roller coaster at times.
After a good nights sleep, I did feel better but had to be careful not to be hard on myself and just feel what I’m feeling. So I immediately thought of all of the things I’m grateful for in my life so that it could hopefully override any negative thoughts that would try to creep in.
Thankfully, this is a peaceful and good day. I realize I need to let myself feel what I feel and then just be real with everyone. Without even realizing it, maybe I was trying too hard to be what I thought other people wanted me to be and so the pressure got to me. Well, hopefully no more of that.
Thank you, your messages are always right on time!
Have a blessed day.
Oh I'm so glad this message found you so soon after our conversation, Diana. It's so easy to follow past patterns of looking to others for who we are and how we behave. This new pattern of listening to what feels right to our own selves takes time to refine it so we can even hear our own voice, let alone our own needs. If you're not with someone who cherishes your being real, you're with the wrong one. You know I'm here for you!
WOW - what a timely message. I've been holding back tears most of the day, keeping busy by texting and endlessly scrolling through social media. Well, the floodgates finally opened after I read this. Darn you--and yet--thank you!!
Hearing you, Suzanne. Not the first time I've heard this sentiment - thank you for letting me in to keep reminding you of how beautiful those raw emotions are. If someone doesn't love these parts of you, they're NEVER going to be compatible with you!